a beautiful end to a lovely summer day

Castle Island, South Boston

cocktails and comedy

2 gentlemen sat at my bar the other night. One was normal, the other's social anxiety disorder, or very small penis, had him overcompensating a little.

Guy1 confidently ordered an Aviation, a classic gin cocktail.

Guy2 pulled the "What's your favorite drink?" crap, to which I always reply, "A double whiskey, neat" which isn't always true. But men who a) don't know what they want to drink and/or b) want to drink a complete stranger's favorite drink are generally candy asses who are sort of flirting, and I'm generally an asshole who thinks it's funny to see candy asses gag on warm whiskey. He didn't fall for it. He got a Comso, which is what his candy ass wanted all along.

They finished their first round, then

Me: (to Guy1) Would you like another Aviation?
Guy 1: No, it was delicious, but I want to try some other stuff.
Guy 2: Yeah, he’s getting married next week. So he wants to sample a bunch of stuff out there, before then.
Me: Oh. I see.
Me: (to Guy1) Are you marrying a cocktail?
Guy1: ahahahahahaha!
Guy2: Oh, I guess I thought I was being funny, but I guess you are.
Me: It's my day job. No hard feelings?

Tonight I'll be at The Broadway Comedy Club with some of NY funniest ladies. Come buy me a double whiskey, candy ass.

THE FUNNIEST LADIES OF COMEDY Hosted by Victor Cruz
7-8:30pm Wednesday, August 25, 2010
THE BROADWAY COMEDY CLUB
318 West 53rd bet. 8th & 9th

Im watching a baby sparrow eat vomit off of the sidewalk. Is that take out?

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this is why i really need to start smoking pot again...

----- Original Message -----
From: BVD BVD
To: staples123@cccallcenter.com
Sent: Fri, 14 May 2010 19:47:23 +0000
Subject: can't edit my design [InteractionID: 9796d790-58c3-459a-851f-e1ddfb1ac2bf]

Hi, I am trying to edit the font size on my card design before I place the order, but it won't allow me to make the change.


Date: Fri, 14 May 2010 15:06:03 -0500
From: staples123@cccallcenter.com
To: bvd4@hotmail.com
CC:
Subject: Re: can't edit my design [InteractionID: f4da12ec-b1bc-42fc-a78c-8221f15ee679]

Hello.

You need to be in edit before you can change.

If any questions, please call 888-333-3199.

Thank you.
Brand Care Expert
Midwest Contact Center
1985 Lookout Dr., N. Mankato, MN 56003
P 877.883.2518 | F 866.486.5419
staples123@cccallcenter.com


RE: can't edit my design [InteractionID: f4da12ec-b1bc-42fc-a78c-8221f15ee679]‏
From: BVD BVD (bvd4@hotmail.com)
Sent: Sun 5/16/10 4:11 PM
To: staples123@cccallcenter.com

Yes, I can read English and I was in edit. I appreciate your vote of confidence. Is 'assumption' taught as part of your customer service training or are you just naturally condescending?

Thanks for your help.

just so you know

The male giant waterbug will not allow the female to lay eggs on his back until he has copulated with her and she has stayed with him for quite some time.

Good for you, male giant waterbug.

the bit

I had a dream that I was with a group of friends hanging out on a stoop with Senator Ted Kennedy. He asked me what I do and I told him "I'm a stand up comedian. I get to say whatever I want. Kinda like you people."

He smiled a little and I said "Yup. Just like you people. But I work an hour a day. What do you guys work, 10-15 minutes a week?"

He laughed and said "Eerrrr ahhhhh, yaaahahahahahaha!"

I woke up and wrote it down and went back to sleep.

I read it this morning, it was written just like it is here, but with this heading:

"The Bit That's Getting Me On Letterman"

I said out loud to myself "I shoulda said 'Headcase'. Once I'm famous, of course."

This is really what it should have said:

"The Bit That's Getting Me On "True Life: I'm Delusional"

Baby steps.

Buy your ColorStruck tix now!!

Come out for a multi-ethnic night of laughter with these awesome ladies:

Deb Farrar-Parkman - Emmy Award Winner
Janet Cormier - Cormier's Comedy Madness
Alycia Cooper - BETs Comic View
Susan Alexander - 5 Funny Females
Esther Ku - Last Comic Standing
Sketch fro Sheila Jackson
special guest sets by up and comers Shereen & Asie Mohtarez

Get tix online at Ticketmaster.com or by calling 1800 745-3000

when you least expect it...

husband: One time, instead of putting sugar in my coffee I put salt. Do you know how shocking that first mouthful was? It was like putting your hand down a hooker's pants and finding she's a tranny.

me: Wow. You must really not expect salt.

Please nominate me for "The Best Of Boston -Comedian"

The Best of Boston 2010 - Nominations

thank you.

they like me. they really like me.

Rooftop Comedy is a website that tapes at comedy clubs at select comedy clubs around the country, then posts their favorite jokes. They chose one of mine!

should Facebook stalkers be forgot?

There is a little group of people stalking my Facebook page.

I know this because they spend an odd amount of time talking about it in front of lots of other people, some who think it's hilarious and that I might get a kick out of knowing about it.

The first time I heard about it I had posted a standard vague Facebook status update, along the lines of "I'm done". Apparently, someone in this little group woke up feeling insekur, decided it was about their group, and decidedly took action. The action being to tell anyone near them at the time about the status update I posted, and how it was about them.

It was funny, but really more pathetic. I was miffed, but in an effort to stay positive, decided that here was a wonderful learning opportunity. Armed with a keen interest in social anthropology, I unfriended some of them, and blocked only my status updates from others and left some as is. I posted another vague update, sat back and did like Bravo.

I was told one person went to another person wondering what I meant by the new update. The other person got online to see, only to find they couldn't see it. Now this is just hearsay, but I hear that one person took a picture of the computer screen with my page on it, to show the other persons who were unfriends or blocked. I can't help but wonder if they used their Acme Facebook Spying Camera for the job. Very impressive.

It caused a kerfuffle and I heard there was alot of "Did Bethany block you?" "I heard she blocked so and so" "I'm not blocked but I can't see her updates! How did she do that?" "wah wah wah wah wah" going on. Seriously.

I keep posting the usual random stuff. I chuckle when a person who was unfriended or blocked makes a smug comment to me about my latest update; "I saw you made cookies. With jam. Mmmm. Cookies are good" and "Ooh, Bethany, you were in NY. Yeah, I read about that. That's pretty cool, you going to NY and all. That reminds me of when I went to NY", sounding like little victorious Stewie Griffins.

I know they will read this, they just can't help it. But I'm taking off my lab coat, my experiment is done. I didn't really learn anything except that Facebook seems to be very intimidating to self important, petty people. For me, it is time to put childish things aside. 2010 is for me and my friends and family, our health and happiness, our hopes and dreams. Not for small minded, contemptible people.

That being said, if you think this is about you, it probably is.

fyi

hubby: Why is it called "Black Friday"?

me: Because it dances good.

vote for me on jokes.com!!

vote here!!

post racial america

Recently, my husband (caucasian), our house guest (caucasian) and I (not-caucasian) were walking home after last call, in the wee hours of the morning. The streets were empty and we were tipsy, laughing and talking, having a good time, when we heard someone rapidly approaching behind us. We all spun around and came face to face with an acquaintance of ours.

"Hi *XXXX (caucasian)!", I said laughing and a little startled. "You startled us a little!"

"Well of course I did," he said, as he passed us, "with all these niggers running around here."

My husband and our house guest stood with their mouths agape.

"See ya soon!" XXXX said over his shoulder as he turned the corner.

"Did that just happen??" our house guest asked incredulously.

"Uh huh" I said. We went inside and poured ourselves more wine and sipped in silence for a bit.

Then we talked about all the reasons why XXXX might have thought that what he said was ok; He has black friends. He's not American. He's gay. I'm not 'really' black. Which began a conversation about "one one-eighth black", which lead to a full rereading of the constitution.

As the sun came up and we all prepared for sleep, our house guest asked me "Are you upset?"

I said "Only that I wasn't quick enough to reply 'We're not afraid of them. They only attack **XXXXX queens'."

Obama.

*XXXX's name and **nationality have been omitted to protect him from all these niggers running around here.